Something to say?

I know I've been an MIA blogger, but sometimes life just changes you up and some things that were super important don't seem to matter quite as much.

My sister is still here, she's still clean and sober. She's in a good rehab problem and that seems to be helping.

Life isn't without challenges. The close proximity and some of her choices drive me mad. Privacy which I loved so much is now a thing of the past. I am beginning to think that she's sick of hearing my opinions and sick of me telling her what I think she should do. Of course I would be sick of it too if I was her, but still it really is frustrating at times.

We do things together which are fun. I haven't seen this many movies in years. We eat out, hang out with friends. That part is good so I'm thankful for that.

Yet I still am constantly frustrated. Work sucks, hard core. I'm not getting into it because last time I blogged in detail about work, I got fired. It just sucked and if I could go to another job without upsetting everything around me, I would. But I can't so I'm stuck for now.

I still have drama from a lot of people. Some friends have completely fallen off the map. It's amazing how when you call out someone for not being there, they find away to disappear and stay even farther away. I guess it just means it was always a one-way street. Too bad, it's their loss I guess. In the end, it won't matter much.

This isn't Hollywood, there are no happy endings, no big reveal where everyone sees the error of their ways. Life just goes on, with or without you.

Just one of the talks

"You saved me..."

It wasn't a Hollywood script. There was no cycle of drama. There was no good start, a tragedy hits rock bottom and a triumphant recovery.

It was just a conversation. Talking about the game. Living the life, being a player, buy-for-a-nickel-sell-for-a-dime politics of running the streets.

She just came out with it, no prompting, no prodding. I wasn't even asking any questions of her, just listening for what seemed like the millionth hour that day.

"...I think that if I wasn't here I would be back down there using...a lot."

The thing is, I didn't need her to say it. I didn't even want her to say it. It physically hurt to hear it. Not because I needed the accolades because I don't. The reason is it just reinforced how close I was, we all were, to losing her. Even if she lived, she'd have been lost to the streets, lost to the needle, lost to all of us.

Now after the first wave of drama has passed, lots of changes have happened in life. I have a full time roommate. One with no car and no job who gets lonely sitting in my house all day. Friends have been there, friends have been quiet and some friends have up and bolted all together under the guise of "giving space" or some other platitude.

Family has stepped up from near, far and even from the most unlikely of places. Family has failed from near, far and the most unlikely of places. Relationships that were strong are weakened, relationships that were decaying have rotted completely away and relationships that were silent to non-existent have become integral parts of both of our lives.

What does the next stage hold? I'm not sure. Sobriety? Relapse? Redemption? Utter failure? I don't know and honestly I'm scared of the worst. After all this time, effort, talking and listening it would destroy me.

But until then...it's back to the day to day.

What's been monopolizing my time

So it's not just my sister in the past weeks. The month of May, 2009 is one I wish had really never happened.

So while I'm trying to help get my sister stay clean, I keep taking punches from the blind side.

Brittany is 4 1/2 months pregnant. I'll be a grandfather at 34.

My father still insists on painting me as a liar to anyone who will listen.

I have a problem with a very high up person at work. My exact words to my boss were "If things don't change, you'll be answering why you've lost a third person in less than a year."

Today at Brianna's soccer game, she fell awkwardly and cracked her head on the thinly padded concrete floor. So one ER visit and a CAT scan later, the diagnosis is concussion and no sports for the foreseeable future.

Now one of my friends thinks he's a stud and is chasing my sister. He's not getting the hint that I'm not pleased. He'll be getting it soon enough.

Tally for week ending 5-17-09

So here is my tally for the past 7 days ending today:

Nights spent talking sister down from the edge of relapse: 2

Nights in bed before 2 am: 1

Times called a liar by my father to other people: 3

Times called a liar by my father to my face: 0

Angry emails from father denying he said anything: 1

Responses from me to emails, phone calls and voice mails from father: 0

Calls to notify me of untimely deaths: 3 (in a week...no joke)

Causes of deaths: illness, overdose, suicide

Number of perfectly good dates being ruined by said deaths: 1

Number of days until I hit the wall: ????

I'm so tired of all of them

So tonight there's been a huge blow up around my sister. Accusations are being thrown around, people are now lying about what I said.

I just had to drop her off to an empty house, seeing that she's fucking dope sick and I had to risk it because I can't sleep when she's here because I'm listening for every little noise.

Now one of the parents went off half cocked and called the police over NOTHING. Now I'm getting yelled at by everyone, my father, my sister, her mother. A huge part of me wants to just scream out "FUCK OFF!!!" to all of them and then pack up and find a dude ranch in Wyoming to work at or something.

The thing of it is, there is no one I feel like I can talk to about it. I can't talk to my father, he gets all cop about it with the cop attitude. I can't talk to my brother about it because he will get all melodramatic about shit and it all comes back to being about him somehow. I can't say anything to Jamie cuz he can't go a day without smoking weed.

So here I sit...just eating the big bowl of shit from everyone. I give it 3 days tops before I tweak at someone and it probably won't even be their fault.

Tuesday is the day

Last night I went and had a sit down for a few hours with my sister. Things are both better than I thought they were...and worse.

We agreed that Tuesday will be the day. The day I take her down and check her in to an in-patient rehab center near her house.

Of course inside of me, I quietly doubt that she'll do it. I'm waiting for her to change her mind, tell me she can hack it on her own without it.

We'll see when Tuesday comes I guess.

Sometimes it passes right under your nose

I went to school for criminal justice. I've been taught about all the warning signs. I can see it coming a mile away.

Except when it's from within my own house.

Last night, I found myself driving around Fitchburg, looking for my sister who called me drunk off her ass, completely belligerent. After I bring her home, listen to her puke and sit with her watching her sleep for an hour to make sure she doesn't aspirate, I get the phone call tonight.

Her mom found a needle, spoon and receipts from a methadone clinic in her room. Found the bank accounts drained, found out she lied about going to court.

In hindsight it's all so clear, so obvious. The signs I've been taught to notice, the behaviors...patterns of an addict. Right under my nose for months. Of course she was smart, played on my own resentments from the past to cover her tracks with me.

So even as exhausted as I am from last night, I can't stop pacing. Going to be another long night, probably in a series of long nights.

So what have I been up to?

Well the end of last week was spent up in Maine on a canoe trip with some friends. And as always, drunks + cameras = the funny. So being me, I am happy to share the hijinx with all of you!

Forget the Slow Fade

I don't think I'm giving up any new information about the stages of relationships. There's the courting stage, where both sides flirt and flatter and doll themselves up in their very best to try to win the affections of the other.

Then there is the first stage, the all powerful new love. You do ANYTHING and EVERYTHING with that person. You give up your free time, your friends, your hobbies...all to spend time with that person and you don't care. Mostly that's because you're doing nothing but screwing each other's brains out most of the time.

After all that screwing slows down, you get into the comfortable time. You go back to normal, but you still spend a lot of time together and you still are pretty good to each other, even if you go back to having your lives be a little more separate.

But should it start to fail for some reason, there are a few different tactics to breaking up. I am the "clean break" guy. I bail out, tell it like it is, tell her I'm not going to change my mind and I'm not going to come back. Yeah, it's kind of harsh, but it's honest.

The one I hate is what I call the "Slow Fade". It's when one side decides it's over and doesn't have the guts to just confront the other person. So you start "missing" phone calls, not returning messages maybe. You break plans at the last minute. You start finding excuses to do other things to be away from the other person. Things you used to always do together either don't get done, or they are done alone or with other people.

Sadly, it's usually a toss up whether the other person sees it coming or not. When it happens to me, I see it coming. I am a person of routine mostly. I know what I do, when I do it and who I do it with. Now I don't always plan everything to the hilt, but even I can tell when someone stops answering their phone, or if they magically have email difficulty or scheduling conflicts.

The thing is, it's insulting. Like no one sees it coming? When people start saying "So where is (insert name) lately?" Or when the other person is sitting around wondering why plans get canceled or when they don't hear for days.

If you're going to break things off, just be honest about it, it's that simple. Plus you'll earn more respect.

Perez Hilton says Miss USA should be "politically correct"

In case you haven't heard this story overexposed enough on the news already, earlier in the week during the Miss USA competition, celebrity gossip blogger Perez Hilton, who is very gay, asked Miss California's opinion of gay marriage.

Now despite the fact that the majority of Americans are opposed to gay marriage, Mr (or Ms.?) Hilton got all annoyed when Miss California stated that she believed that marriage should be between a man and a woman.

Well Perez didn't really like that answer. So he's gone on a tirade on his blog ripping into her because she doesn't support his agenda and that he believes that her answer cost her the crown of Miss USA. (You can read about it here.)

First of all, let me say that beauty pageants, in my opinion, are stupid and a complete waste of time. They are nothing more then civilized wet t-shirt contests with a talent & interview section thrown in to hide the fact that it's just a contest over which girl is hottest.

Second of all, where the hell does Perez Hilton get off demanding ANYONE be politically correct? This is coming from a guy that publishes stories in which he opines that any female celeb or psuedo-celeb may be "sperminated" the moment a photographer catches anything like a round belly. He frequently questions the sexual orientation of anyone that will grab him a headline and an extra click on a sponsored ad on his site.

Best of all, my personal favorite in this tale of hypocrisy and fame whoredom, let's take a look at a couple of pictures that Mr. Political Correctness Champion posted on his site in the past couple of weeks:








I know I know...political correctness at its finest. I pose one question for anyone who cares...gay or straight. That is:

"Do you want a man who draws cum bubbles on people's faces for money being YOUR marriage rights spokesperson?"

I don't either.

What's my time worth?

Apparently the answer to that question to some people is "Nothing".

Thursday my sister called me, crying about how she's been thrown out of her mother's house and doesn't have a working car to go anywhere. Now I'm generally the good brother, I tell her if she needs to, I'll come get her and she can crash at my house for a few days. She agrees.

So I drive over an hour down to her house. When I get there she comes out and says "My mother says I can't go with you". Ummm...you're 23 years old and if your mom kicked you out, what the fuck right does she have to say anything? But I just wait patiently as her mother sticks her head out the door and yells some more.

Then she asks me to go get her a new cell charger because her mother just broke hers. Now I'm annoyed, but I go to the store and grab one. $30 frickin dollars. WTF???? On my way back, my sister asks me to bring her back BEFORE I go to work in the morning. I just can't do that, I have to be in the office around 7:30, I can't go to Massachusetts before that. So she says "Oh, never mind then. I'll stay somewhere else".

So let me recap: Hours now spent driving there and around there: 2 Money spent on a cell charge I don't need: $31.50 Meals missed: 1 Gas wasted: 6 gallons @ $2/gallon.

Needless to say, I was not pleased and told her I was going home and I didn't want to be bothered with any more of that bullshit. I was pretty obvious about how pissed off I was that I had wasted my whole night on this stupid game. That's when I got a text message that sent me over the edge.

"Can you drop off the charger for me on your way home?"

Let's just say...the words that came out of my mouth were loud, angry and of the 4 letter variety...and that I'm still really pissed off about it all.

A change in the reflection

As Neil Diamond sings..."Where it began, I can't begin to know when."

That's just it, I have no idea when or where it began. Last night I was sitting here quietly thinking about a lot of things. I went out for a bit, swung by Jamie's house and he just looked at me and said "You look like shit". Matched how I felt, so I couldn't possibly be mad at the guy for being intuitive. He's known me 30 fucking years, I'd be insulted if he hadn't noticed.

I went home after being there for just an hour. I hung out, not accomplishing anything. Unless of course you consider the fight I got in over IM. What a pathetic cliche that is. IT guy gets in fights on the internet.

After that I spent a long time up thinking some more. I went into the bathroom and brushed my teeth. As I was standing at the sink, looking in the mirror...it hit me.

I don't like...me. I'm not happy.

It's a hell of a thing to acknowledge that our house of cards has toppled over. I suspect it was just a matter of time. I spent most of my childhood, teen and young adult years not liking myself. After I got divorced, things were looking good for a while there. My instincts were honed pretty well, I had a good eye on things and that was cool.

I'm not quite sure when that went away. It wasn't all at once. I'm sure it was a little bit at a time. To say that the last 2 years have been tough would be an understatement. Anyone close to me knows I've had to fight and scratch and claw to keep my head above water. But now it's not enough to just get by, I want to thrive.

Someone whose opinions I used to hold as valuable recently told me that I'm looking for someone to rescue me from my own self made misery. At first I was indignant, aghast. I'm sure it looked that way from her perspective, but that's not it at all.

I've spent the last little bit not wanting to be rescued. I've rejected help at every turn until it was impossible for me to go on without it. Jamie tells me I'm too prideful...even when I need help, I won't ask for it.

So what's my point here? What am I trying to say? I need to make changes. I'm not 100% sure of what they are, but what I am sure of is that they are mine alone to make. I firmly believe that we make our own happiness. If we depend on someone else for our happiness, we'll be perpetually disappointed.

It's time for the next step for me...I just need to find out which direction to step in.

What's with all these shootings?

Valentine's Day 2008 - Gunman kills 5 and wounds 18 at Northern Illinois University.

Christmas Eve 2008 - Gunman dresses up as Santa Claus and kills 9 people, sets a booby trap for police and sets a fire.

March 10, 2009 - Gunman kills 10 people in three towns including his own mother and grandparents.

March 29, 2009 - Gunman walks into a rehab hospital and kills 7 patients and a nurse.

Today - An immigrant gunman walks into an immigrant training center, says nothing and starts shooting...killing 13 people.

These things happen in every corner of our country and it crosses economic and ethnic backgrounds. But why does this keep happening?

Can you blame the economy? Perhaps, but the sheer random violence of many of these killings is far beyond just being broke. Being broke may be a factor, but I can't see it as the prime motivation. These people had a heart to kill, period.

I know many non-Americans will point to the proliferation of guns in the United States. It's an easy and popular place to point the blame, but March 11th, a teen in Germany went into his former school and killed 15 people and last September a college student in Finland shot and killed 10 people. So this isn't a case of the American Wild West where everyone is packing a gun and only the crazies are shooting people.

But what's the reason? Or better yet, what's the answer? We seem to be caught in a tug of war. On one side is the gun owners and lobbyists...trying to protect our rights guaranteed under the 2nd Amendment. On the other side are the gun control activists...arguing for fewer guns and presumably a safer general public.

I don't necessarily buy either side in this argument. Yes, the Bill of Rights grants us the right to "bear arms". Now I'm all for that, but I have a hard time why anyone has the "right" or, better yet, the need to own assault weapons. Besides, even if you ban handguns, you won't be rid of them. People will just risk breaking the law to keep them...or the criminals will be the vast majority of gun owners.

With the recent news stories, today at work, I turned to Wayne and said "You know I'm being nice to you so that when you snap, you won't shoot me." Thankfully he said "Oh I won't kill you. I actually like you."

Thank heavens for small mercies...

Anti-Semetic? Really?

So a cartoon has sparked protest. Now relax, it's not the Muslims burning down McDonalds over a cartoon of Mohammed. Here's the cartoon in question:




The Simon Weisenthal Center (whatever that is, why they matter I don't know) says that the cartoon "the cartoon mimics the venomous anti-Semitic propaganda of the Nazi and Soviet eras."

The national director of the Anti-Defamation League (apparently they are the Anti-Semetism police) says "It employs Nazi imagery by portraying Israel as a jack-booted, goose-stepping headless apparition, the implication is of an Israeli policy without a head or a heart. Israel's defensive military operation to protect the lives of its men, women and children who are being continuously bombarded by Hamas rocket attacks has been turned on its head to show the victims as heartless, headless aggressors."

Now let me clearly state my feelings on this. I'm not an anti-semite. I don't have a problem with Jewish people. However I do have a problem with the government of Israel.

If you are a civilian in Gaza and one day, tanks and bulldozers rumble through your neighborhoods, soldiers kick in the door of your house and tell you have minutes to gather your shit and get out, then the bulldozer levels your house. Why? Because you are a Palestinian and someone in Israel suspects that some random Palestinian has fired a rocket into Israel.

Now they don't know WHICH Palestinian fired the rocket, they aren't even sure where in Gaza exactly it came from. But fuck it, your grandma's house is getting bulldozed tomorrow. Oh, and on the site that Granny's house was on, they are going to build an Israeli refugee camp.

Go ahead, give me the "it's for the protection of Israel" bit. It's all crap. Israel has repeatedly invaded the borders of every other sovereign nation in that region and for what? Where's the smoking gun? What have they proven? Muslims hate Jews? Shit, I didn't invade anything and I could have told you that. Meanwhile everyone raises an uproar when Iraq invaded Kuwait or when the USSR invaded Afghanistan. Where's the outrage every time Israel gets pissed off and marches into Lebanon?

There is no outrage because everyone is afraid of the Jewish community. Anti-Semetism is the newest Deadly Sin. Forget gluttony, that's ok as long as you don't bash Jews. Hell 40 years ago you could still get away with stringing up a black man in the South, but no one would take on the Jewish community.

The real kicker? All this time when local governments are struggling to fund programs, we can't keep people employed and we can't provide health care for our poorest Americans, we are still busy pumping millions in foreign aid into the Israeli government. For what? Oil? Nope, they haven't gotten any. Infrastructure? Nope, they are a fully modernized nation. It's guilt money. Nothing but misplaced guilt money.

I don't know about you, but I didn't kill any Jews in World War II or any other time. Neither did my parents, grandparents, aunts, uncles or children. So why do my kids get shorted on funds for education and health care so that we can pay for 70 year old crimes we didn't commit?

The Bill

$1,896. Oh, and 38 cents. I paid the bill today. I had to pick up the car tonight after work. The problem?

No one I called to give me a ride down to the garage called me back.

So at 8pm in the dark and 20 degree weather, I had to walk 2 miles down to get said car that I just laid out my last $1,900 to fix.

Whatever.

What is this world coming to?

Bikini wax ban considered

Leave it to New Jersey to ruin one of the greatest advances in "cosmetics"!!

My new career

So I was going to blog about the very distasteful coinslot that I saw while I was out drinking on St. Patty's Day, but the then Pam reminded me about this show I wanted to watch. Here is the preview of it:



I have decided I MUST be the host of this show. I need this job. I know, I know it sounds misogynistic and that I'm some closet women hater, but that's not it. Put dudes on that show and I'll do the same thing.

I just want to observe, then blast out the honest feedback and have someone at least pretend to give a shit. Until that day, I'll just keep blogging.

Honest opinion of the night: Big girl with the coinslot from St. Patty's Day...honey, first of all wear a t-shirt within 5 sizes of your real size. If you're not going to do that, please put on some panties with your low rise jeans. Please...for all of our sakes.

Travelin' Man

Put an X by the states you have been to.
The average is 8, how do you match up?
Then for fun, place an O by the states you have lived in.

29 Visits and 2 Lived in.

* Alabama -
* Alaska -
* Arizona - X
* Arkansas -
* California -
* Colorado -
* Connecticut - X
* Delaware- X
* Florida - X
* Georgia - X
* Hawaii -
* Idaho -
* Illinois - X
* Indiana -
* Iowa -
* Kansas -
* Kentucky- X
* Louisiana - X
* Maine - X
* Maryland - X
* Massachusetts -X O
* Michigan - X
* Minnesota - X
* Mississippi -
* Missouri -
* Montana -
* Nebraska -
* Nevada - X
* New Hampshire- X O
* New Jersey - X
* New Mexico -
* New York - X
* North Carolina - X
* North Dakota -
* Ohio - X
* Oklahoma -
* Oregon -
* Pennsylvania - X
* Rhode Island - X
* South Carolina - X
* South Dakota -
* Tennessee - X
* Texas - X
* Utah - X
* Vermont- X
* Virginia - X
* Washington -
* West Virginia - X
* Wisconsin - X
* Wyoming -

Silly question of my day

Today I decided both of the kids needed haircuts. Me? I'm fine, shaved my head last night but they were a mess. So I walk into Supercuts with them and I walk up to the desk and the woman says..

"Hi! What can I do for you today?"

I just looked at her and said "For me? Absolutely nothing."

I still can't figure out why she didn't think that was funny.

Phil thought #430529

I noticed something tonight. People who are two faced REALLY piss me off.

I don't think it's right to privately bash someone to me, then in a span of weeks later, come around being that person's best friend right in front of me.

It's not cool to be all about how someone is trashy and low-class, then sit around giggling with them. I'll be the first to admit I bashed the same person, but I did it to her face...in front of people so everyone saw it. I never back-doored anyone.

That's why one of us has tons of friends and always has someone to spend time with and the other of us has only one or two people who want to be around us.

And it's not because you're smarter or more intellectual or more honest. It's because you're mean, self-righteous and judgmental.

I couldn't make this shit up

Oz Dad Fights Off 'Lunatic Ninja' Kangaroo

An Australian man has fought off a 6ft, 90lbs kangaroo after it burst through his bedroom window and rampaged around his house, terrifying his young children.

The confused marsupial smashed its way into Beat Ettlin's home in the Canberra suburb of Garran.

The 42-year-old told Sky News Online: "I just saw this black thing. I thought it was a lunatic ninja, an intruder. It just fell on top of us on the bed. A couple of seconds later I realised it was a kangaroo."

As the creature began bouncing on their bed, Mr Ettlin's wife Verity tried to protect their nine-year-old daughter Beatrix who was also sleeping in their bed.

Verity, 39, told Sky News Online: "I just pulled the covers over our heads and screamed. It jumped on my shoulder, bounced across the bed and onto the bedside table. Can you imagine how close it was to my head?"

But when the kangaroo jumped into their 10-year-old son Leighton's bedroom, Mr Ettlin decided to take action.

"That was enough for me," he said, "I thought I have to do something about it. There is no way I can let him jump in there and hurt my son.

"When I got in there, it was against the wall by the window, trying to get out I think, so I just jumped on top of it. I got him in a headlock and pressed him to the ground.

"I had to push with my full body weight and I got him as low as I could. It was quite aggressive and tried to escape of course. I could feel how powerful it was.

"I had to open the door with one hand, pressing the kangaroo to the wall with the other hand. Finally, the door opened and I could actually release it.

"The whole thing only took about two and a half minutes, it was really quick. I could hear it breathing really heavily but otherwise there was just silence. It was a freaky moment."

The kangaroo left a trail of blood through the house and claw gouges in the wooden frame of the bed.

Mr Ettlin believes it was attracted by light on the bedroom window and cut itself on broken glass when it smashed its way through.

Verity said her Swiss-born husband is a hero: "I don't know many Australian men who would do the same thing. We all know kangaroos are very dangerous. But Beat knew there was a real threat to his son, his male instinct was to protect his family."

Ok, do I need to comment? Anything with Lunatic Ninjas is good enough for me.

What to do with the parentals

A friend of mine at work is having a dilemma. His father is elderly and in declining health. Without getting into details, the choice is whether or not he needs to have full time care. To me it seems like a no-brainer, he needs to be in a home with full time medical attention. But then I put myself in those shoes.

Could I do it? Will I ever have to?

It's a much tougher call when it's your own parents. Hopefully my mom will end up like my grandmother. My gram is 83, volunteers at the hospital and church, drives herself where she needs to go in the daytime, is healthy as a horse for the most part.

My dad will be tougher, mostly because he's not the best at taking care of himself. Plus he has the worse medical history. Thankfully he's been more pro-active on his planning. I have a list of situations where I should cut off life support and how I should do it.

But putting either of them in nursing homes? I don't know about that. I've got that old school in me that your parents should be at home, even if they are old and sick. My grandmother in Puerto Rico is at home with a full time nurse and I feel better about that than if my father and uncles put her in a home, especially down in PR because the homes down there are awful.

I'm just hoping I never have to make that decision.

Caption Contest anyone?

Ok, so I am totally blog lame lately. So maybe you guys can write the blog for me a bit? Here's the deal...caption contest. Come up with the best caption you can for this photo:




Ok, have at it. Leave them in comments...

Saturday night

Well Saturday night out with Jose and Michael didn't turn out nearly as many of the dramatics as I thought it would, but it was still a good time.

After stuffing food into my face at Jose's, we went out and shot some pool at the pool hall down the street. I'm mostly certain it was Lesbian night there because there were large packs over mullet headed and Timberland wearing women. Disappointing to say the least if you happen to be a young man such as myself.

We left there and stopped by Jose's new office for a little while so I could see it. No doubt in the days when most businesses are going under, there's my boy Jose expanding. When the economy corrects, he's going to be busy as hell.

The night ended up at the one bar that serves until 2 am. By then I was pretty drunk, but I managed to play a decent game of pool. After I got done with that, I went to talk to Russell. Little did I know he was chatting up a...well...how do I put this nicely? Hmmm...Ok, this woman looked like she had around the way more than once. While I was standing there talking to him, he was goofing around and trying to pinch my nipple so I put both of my hands over them so he'd stop and...

...that's when his potential date grabbed my balls.

Needless to say I was more than a bit surprised. Suddenly I wasn't so concerned about my nipple health. I was more considered about my typical drunken ability to say the WORST thing possible. I managed to laugh it off, she let go and I got the hell up out of there, fast. Of course Russell didn't, but that's his business.

Sunday...well. Let's just call it a lost day. I was hungover, sick and generally useless. I felt bad for Bman because I was NO fun as I lounged around and bitched about my headache. I took him out for pizza to make up for it. We argued over the Lakers vs. Suns game on TV. Who knew I raised a Kobe Bryant fan? Great, one kid is a Yankees fan, one kid is a Lakers fan. Where did I go so wrong???

Anyway tonight I finished digging out from the foot of snow we got today. I'm soooo fucking done with winter.

Oh it could be a bad scene

I got some unexpected news tonight. Apparently my friend Mike will be up here over the weekend from DC.

Mike is the life of the party to say the least. I can't think of a time where we've hung out with Mike and stories didn't end up being shared for years afterward.

With that in mind, I will SOOOO be spending the weekend in Massachusetts. Hell if I'm going to miss out.

I tell ya...I get no respect

I swear, days like today I definitely know where Rodney was coming from. It's like there are just some days where you just work and work and work and do your best, but you're just not catching a break.

Today on my way to work, cut off in traffic. Normally I would have blown the horn, maybe muttered a profanity and gave them the finger. However, the person who cut me off is a very high up person at my work. Self control was successfully exercised.

Then as I am moving around a bunch of PCs, I make a little sarcastic joke to someone and she blurts out "Listen asspie...". Ummm...WTF is an asspie? I didn't know whether to be amused or insulted. But then I said "asspie" out loud and it's hilarious. Say it, come on...ASS PIE. Funny isn't it? I chalked that one up as just something funny at my expense a little.

But to finish off my day, I decided to treat myself to a pizza pie. So I go into the pizza shop, place my order and sit down to wait for it. As I sit, I hear a mother say "What? What monster?" I look and a little 3 year old girl points at me and says "Him". I just look at her, look at the mother and said "Well if she saw me at the office today, she might have been right."

I tell ya...I get NO respect.

The playlist

I have been watching almost no TV lately and have been instead consuming large amounts of music.

I have always had a thing for songs done acoustically. With all the overproduced top 40 garbage out there, it's nice to see that some songs can be stripped down and be just as good or better than the originals:

Stone Temple Pilots - Crackerman from MTV Unplugged (this DVD is IMPOSSIBLE to find, if anyone knows where I can get it, please let me know)




Eagles - Desperado from Farewaell 1 Tour DVD




Nirvana - Man Who Sold the World from MTV Unplugged

Age

Most times when I toss something up here that involves my opinion, it's usually something I have already made up my mind on and I put it out there. What kind of self-important ass does that? This one, that's who. ;)

Anyway, I have a topic I am undecided on. Age in relationships. Specifically age gaps in romantic relationships. Most times I find myself on the bottom end because, well honestly I relate better to women that are older than me. Besides, I'm a chubby, bald fuck with grey hairs in my goatee, what young thing is going to be interested in me?

But alas don't I find myself pondering this very question on a random Wednesday night without a clear cut winner in the court of Phil's Opinion. So I will poll the few remaining regular readers of this wretched writing. (like the alliteration?)

Does age matter?

How big of a gap is too big?

Is it different talking older guy/younger girl than it is older girl/younger guy?

This inquiring mind wants to know...

A line

Ever get the feeling like you might have crossed the line? Yeah, I thought so. I think I just did.

Well, nothing to be done now I guess. We'll see if it ends up causing drama or not.

Don't be my Valentine

An outstanding commentary that touches on a lot of things that we don't really think about when we are blowing a ton of money on roses, jewelry and dinners.

Don't be my Valentine

With retailers hurting and the U.S. president trying to encourage Americans to spend money to restore consumer confidence, what I'm about to say may seem like treason. But here goes: Please boycott Valentine's Day and all that is associated with this horrendous "holiday."

For several years I have ripped into Valentine's Day. Not because I'm against love and relationships, but mainly because the holiday is such a farce.

First of all, Valentine's Day is not built around a religious event like Christmas or Easter; nor does it have any special meaning to the nation such as Memorial Day or Veterans Day.

It is nothing more than a commercial holiday created by rabid retailers who needed a major shopping day between Christmas and Easter in order to give people a reason to spend money.

Now folks, I love my wife. She is truly an awesome woman who is smart, talented, fine, and, did I say fine? But do I really need a special day to show my affection for her?

I've long maintained that if I sent my flowers at other times during the year, why do I have to fall victim to peer pressure and send her some roses that have quadrupled in price leading up to February 14?

Why should I be inundated with mailings, e-mails and commercials to show her that I love her by buying jewelry or clothing? If we went shopping in June or September or last month, can I get some kind of waiver or "Get out of Valentine's Day" card?

As for this silly flower thing, it's even got to the point that any flowers can't do. Some years ago I planned on sending a woman some flowers that weren't roses, and the (female) co-workers were aghast. They felt that nothing mattered except roses.

First of all, I didn't have a lot of dough and felt a nice bouquet was sufficient, but they were appalled. So I told them to go to hell and I'll do what I want. I guess for them, the thought really doesn't matter.

Then there are the women on the job who measure the love of their men based on those flowers. You know how some folks are. If there are flowers on the desk of 10 other women, and one woman doesn't have anything, folks get to talking and whispering as if something is wrong in her relationship.

I've learned that even if you get the biggest-ever rose bouquet -- the relationship might be crumbling and you just refuse to admit it.

And Valentine's Day really isn't even a two-way street. Men are utterly irrelevant except to serve as pawns in this commercial game, emptying their wallets in order to satisfy their lovers or those around them. Oh yea, retailers know the con game.

Most of these guys are hapless saps who have ignored their wives or girlfriends all year, so they buy the flowers and candy, and set a reservation at one of the city's most expensive restaurants, all to say, "Honey, I love you."

Ladies, and men, stop it! It's time to say enough is enough with Valentine's Day.

What do I want? How about men and women loving, caring and sharing the other 364 days a year? February 14 isn't the only time to send flowers to your woman (ladies, we wouldn't mind getting a surprise delivery as well!). How about dropping her a flower arrangement on May 14? And on that card you need to write, "Just because..."

Instead of men and women spicing up their sex life on February 14, make the effort to satisfy your mate the rest of the year.

If last Valentine's Day was the last time you took your significant other out to a really nice restaurant, you deserve to be in trouble.

Are you planning to treat your man or woman to a wonderful day at the spa this Saturday? Well, I'm sure he or she would thoroughly enjoy the same in June or July.

It's time that we all take stock of our relationships and learn that we are to be loving and fulfilled 365 days a year, and not reduce our affection to flowers, candy, jewelry, clothes and a meal on one day a year.

The people who plan their lives around Valentine's are like those who spend more time planning their wedding day rather than planning their marriage. The day is nice and wonderful, but what makes it last is what you do on the "non-special" days.

Beer Goggles

I was talking to Pam last night and she was discussing her latest encounter with "beer goggles". I know you all know what beer goggles are.

I had to laugh because as I thought about it, I realized that I don't really get beer goggles. I have drank a lot and flirted while drunk, but to bring it too far, I don't think I ever have.

We've all made some shitty judgments while drinking no doubt. Lord knows I've made my share over time. But going home with someone I wouldn't normally is not one of the ones I've made.

I have seen my friends do it. One buddy of mine chased this girl all around the bar one night and after we left, we found out she went home with him. Then the next morning when he sobered up, he considered running away from his own home. (of course there is a better part of this story that I'm not going to share, just in case he's reading)

In any event, I have learned something about myself. I get Beer Tunnelvision. It's the opposite of Beer Goggles. I am horribly picky when it comes to women and I know it. But if I get to drinking, anyone that was on the borderline or that I wasn't interested in goes from getting the silly joking and flirting to just nothing from me. Or I get mean like I did over New Years.

I sat down and thought about it and honestly, I haven't slept with anyone drunk that I wouldn't have sober. There were maybe some close calls, but I have definitely never woken up and said "whoa, bad move".

So what about it...do you get beer goggles or beer tunnelvision?

My nerd addictions

Ok, so lately I have been far too liberal about indulging my nerd addictions. Most time I try to not get super nerdy, but right now I'm headlong into Nerdville, population ME. So here's what I'm into at the moment:



I know I know, but it's like my internet crack addiction, I can't help it.



This one has all the potential for internet meth addiction as Facebook, but on a slightly smaller scale.



They call it the Crackberry for a reason and man is it ever true. The worst part? I have programs for the previous two things on my list already installed on my Blackberry.


And last but not least, at the end of the month I will be able to plug all three of these things into my new work-toy:

Things I learned

I learned a completely random thing tonight. I thought I should share it with all of you so you don't have to learn the hard way like I did.

If it's 8 degrees outside and you put your beer on a snowbank outside, some of it might freeze. And if you just happen to stick your finger down inside, sometimes you can break up the ice pack so you can drink your nice, icy cold beer. But if you happen to stick your finger into the bottle too far, you might get it stuck and all your dumb poker friends will laugh at you.

If this note can save just one embarrassing finger moment, then it was all worth it.

Can't sleep

So yeah, I'm blogging at 5:20 am. I can't sleep.

First it was the nightmares that woke me up. I dreamed that was I part of the Secret Service trying to protect the president (who was a woman in my dream) and I had to keep pushing back all these guys trying to get too close to her in a meeting. Only to find out someone tricked us all and we end up getting locked in a room and can't get out.

Then I dreamed I was being chased and beat on by a big fat guy. I don't know what that's about but in my dream he was trying to get to a friend of mine and I stepped in and stopped it, kinda. Instead Chubby just started beating on me instead.

Last dream I remember is that I was living in a place like a dorm and a female friend of mine comes in and is offering to try on a new top for me. So of course I want to see it, but as she's stripping her top off, all the guys are at my door, staring in the window trying to get in and I have to stand and hold the door shut. The weird part? All the guys there are guys I haven't seen in 10+ years and none of them were particular friends of mine back then.

So now I'm awake, amped up and with my brain going at 1000 miles an hour trying to figure out some stuff going on here that I need to take care of and quickly. Problem is I just don't know how to do it.

25 Random Things

This is a Facebook thing but not everyone uses Facebook and I am too lazy to come up with anything witty today...

25 facts you really didn't want to know...

Rules: Once you've been tagged, you are supposed to write a note with 25 random things, facts, habits, or goals about you. At the end, choose 25 people to be tagged. You have to tag the person who tagged you. If I tagged you, it's because I want to know more about you.

To do this, go to “notes” under tabs on your profile page, paste these instructions in the body of the note, type your 25 random things, tag 25 people (in the right hand corner of the app) then click publish.


1. I hate reality TV. No really, I can't stand it. First of all, whose reality is the Rock of Love Bus, Survivor or Big Brother? Want reality? Film me struggling to pay bills, still being completely clueless when it comes to figuring out women and and trying not to flip out when some girl faceplants my daughter on the soccer field.

2. I do however love a lot of HBO and Showtime's programming. The Wire, Rome, Californication, Band of Brothers, etc. I have them all and I have no problem watching them over and over again.

3. I have no pets. I don't really need any and I think it's unfair to have any because I'm not around enough to really care for them the way I think I should. Maybe someday I will, but with working late, going out with friends at the last minute and stuff it's just best.

4. I can cook. I have two parents who can cook, but they have very plain tastes. When I cook, I want the flavor to give me a good POW in the mouth. Not a BAM like Emeril, but a POW that makes my eyes water a bit.

5. My kids were conceived on accident. Go ahead and make the joke, but I wasn't ready for kids especially so early on. The benefit is that I'll be young when they are grown so that's nice but I missed out on the dumb fun stuff that 21 year olds do.

6. I love traveling. I'll go just about anywhere once. That being said, I have no reason to ever visit Detroit, Cleveland, Pittsburgh, Toledo, Houston and Salt Lake City ever again. However, the priority targets include Australia, London, Barcelona and Rome.

7. I never thought it would be possible, but I am 100% addicted to my Blackberry. Got myself MSN, AIM, Gmail and Facebook all installed, plus I can tether it to my laptop for an internet connection. The best part? Work pays for it all.

8. I have been a Red Sox fan since I knew what a baseball was. One of my earliest memories of baseball was watching that ball go through Buckner's legs and the damage was done until 2004. 2007 helped too.

9. I love older women. Younger women just don't work for me. They are nice and young and full of life with perfect little bodies and such, but give me the brains and experience of older women every day of the week and twice on...well twice everyday would be just fine with me.

10. Beer = life. Life = Good. Therefore beer = good. Any questions?

11. I love music. How much? Either iTunes, my iPod or the XM radio is going at any given time. What will I listen to? Anything but country...I hate that shit. However I do think country girls are hot.

12. The preset favorites on my cable box are ESPN, TruTV, Speed, Discovery, History Channel, NHL Network and MLB Network.

13. I have no cartilege on outside of my right knee and very little on the inside. Three surgeries will do that to a guy. I've been told that a knee replacement is in the future, but I'm not buying it.

14. I can type...the proper way. Hands on the home row and all that. I took the class as a way to get an easy business credit in high school. Turns out it has been more useful than algebra, physics or psychology.

15. I miss smoking. I know I'm healthier now. I know that quitting was the right thing to do and all of that. But I miss it a lot sometimes, especially while drinking or being stressed to the max.

16. I also can iron. I iron my clothes for work and I try not to look like a total bum as much as humanly possible. That way no one can accuse me of being any kind of low class schmuck.

17. I'm a computer geek. I've denied it for years, fought it as much as I could. But I figure if I'm going to be good at it, I should make some money off of it. Hence my current career.

18. I voted for George W. Bush in 2000. I'm sorry, I didn't know.

19. When I meet a woman, it's all in the eyes. Nice eyes will keep my attention at all times. Dead drunk, early in the morning, without make up, in sweats and a turtleneck...nice eyes will always remind me of what attracted me to someone.

20. I'm a late to bed/early to rise person. I generally function on 5-6 hours of sleep a day. I love the way sleep makes me feel, but I HATE the time it wastes.

21. I love to hike. I like getting to the top of the mountain and spending as much time looking at the views as it took to climb the mountain. It's about having a goal and reaching it and enjoying the sense of accomplishment.

22. I love snow, but I hate the cold. If it could snow and be 50 degrees outside, I'd never leave this place. But since that's not the place, I'm going to make some relocation plans when Brandon graduates.

23. Will loves Katt Williams, well I think he's funny too, but there is a white boy equivalent. Jim Norton. Funniest comedian out there. But NOT for the faint of heart, be warned before you go to his MySpace page.

24. Sam Adams is my favorite patriot. He's done more for my life than any other patriot.

25. There is a Julia Roberts movie in my DVD rack. It's called Closer. It's nothing like you'd expect. If you love heavy, dramatic dialog, rent this...it's intense and it includes Jude Law, Clive Owen and Natalie Portman.

10 from 1

How this memetic works is that you leave a comment on this post, and I’ll assign you a letter. Then you write about ten things you love that begin with your assigned letter, and post it at your place. When people comment on your list, you give them a letter, and the chain continues on and on.

I was assigned the letter L by Ted. I'm sure she thinks she's clever or can stump me, but once again I will rise to the occasion. I will agree with her, I don't know if I "love" all of these things, but I certainly "like" them quite a bit.


Love - ok, I figure I'll get the obvious out of the way. Even though I have always maintained that "love" is the most selfish emotion that a person can have, it's still a pretty good emotion to have in abundance. I dare anyone to argue against it.

Lust - this might be my REAL favorite. Lust is so much less complicated than love, but it's not quite as noble as love is. But lust can grow into love if you're lucky.

Leather - it's so useful. Shoes, jackets, baseball gloves, belts, corsets. (oops, did I say that?) All in all, pretty handy don't you think?

Led Zeppelin - hell yeah. Best rock band ever? I think so but that one is debateable.

Literature - even though I haven't had much time of late, I do love to read and I currently have 4 books on the shelf just waiting for me to get a little bit of free time on my hands.

Lake Winnipesaukee - I grew up 20 minutes away from there. Spent countless hours as a teen at Weirs Beach, the Pier, Ellacoya and now as an adult jetskiing and visiting friends up there.

Lips - my second favorite part on a woman after the eyes. You'll grab me with the eyes, but keep me with the lips.

Long hair - ladies...take it from me. Long hair is always sexier than short hair. Think Ellen Degeneres has a sexy haircut? We don't either. But her girlfriend Portia De Rossi with those long blond locks? Rawr.

Lord of the Rings - best movie trilogy EVER.

Little kids - teens are a pain in the ass, adults are a drag. But little kids and babies, nothing but good fun as far as I'm concerned

Dad

That's what the top of the note I found on her bed said when I realized her room was spotlessly clean since the first day she moved here.

That's when I realized all of her stuff was gone...and so is she.

Kids today

Kids today. I don't understand them. Such a air of entitlement, greed and selfishness. I've worked hard to try and instill a bit of selflessness in them but it seems I've come up short.

Yesterday I found out that Brittany went and called the Social Security Administration and told them that her mother has been "stealing" her survivor's benefits checks.

If by stealing you mean clothing, feeding, keeping in a nice house with pets, laptop computers, digital cameras and paying for school trips, then I guess she has been.

But if you mean stealing as in taking the money and blowing it on stupid shit not related to Brittany, it's not true. The whole argument stems from the fact that Candi wouldn't give Brittany this month's payment because she was going to pay for Brittany's chorus trip to Florida with the money.

The real rub? She only qualifies for 4 more payments after this one. Now the Feds have opened a formal investigation to see if we've been defrauding the government. I say we because for the first 4 years that Britt was getting payments, I was married to her mother.

She came home and half heartedly denied it. When I told her I didn't believe her, she just said "Well I don't care what you think."

Ever feel the anger burst up like a gas tank with a lit match dropped in it? That's what I was feeling. I gave her the best advice of her life and told her to leave the room, which she was smart enough to do.

Now what the frig am I going to do with this kid?

I have finished it...finally

I finally finished watching all 23 DVDs from my box set of The Wire. That being said, my favorite scene from my favorite show is near the end of the final episode of the final season.

That being said...the wake of one Detective James McNulty.

Gotta say it was a good day

After this HORRIFIC week I've been having, I did find a few bright spots.

First - I made some awesome pork chops.

Second - Brianna texts me today. Actually asks to hang out with me this weekend. I would have been speechless, but like a typical teenager she sent it over text message.

Third - I got an interim report from school for Britt. A B- and an A. You could have knocked me over with a feather on that one.

So let's see if I can keep the good train going.

Of course it had to start screwed up

From CNN tonight:

Obama retakes oath of office after Roberts' mistake

(You just have to know there had to be one last poke in the eye of our country that a Bush cronie like Roberts can fuck up Obama's first official day as president)


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WASHINGTON (CNN) -- President Obama retook his oath of office Wednesday after Chief Justice John Roberts flubbed while delivering it at Tuesday's inauguration.
President Barack Obama takes the oath of office -- his second in two days -- in the White House on Wednesday.

The second oath -- also administered by Roberts -- took place at 7:35 p.m. Wednesday in the White House's Map Room. Roberts asked Obama whether he was ready.

"I am, and we're going to do it very slowly," Obama replied.

The do-over was aimed at dispelling any confusion that might arise from Tuesday's take -- in which "faithfully" was said out of sequence -- and erase any question that Obama is legally the president.

However, per the Constitution, Obama became president at noon Tuesday without taking the oath.

"We believe that the oath of office was administered effectively and that the president was sworn in appropriately yesterday," White House counsel Greg Craig said Wednesday in a written statement.

"But the oath appears in the Constitution itself. And out of an abundance of caution, because there was one word out of sequence, Chief Justice Roberts administered the oath a second time," the statement read.

On Tuesday, Roberts, apparently working without a copy of the oath handy on the Capitol steps, started out by reciting a six-word phrase, but Obama broke in halfway through and repeated the first three.

That seemed to throw the chief justice off stride, and he proceeded to mix up the order of the words in the next phrase.

The Constitution sets out the language that should be used in the oath: "I do solemnly swear (or affirm) that I will faithfully execute the Office of President of the United States, and will to the best of my ability, preserve, protect and defend the Constitution of the United States."

OK so I know I have come off before as King of the Obama nation, but you don't even have to like the guy to realize that Roberts flubbing up the oath is ironic since his old boss and his whole administration is going to go down in history as a bunch of fuck ups.

You want me to do what?

The phone rings at 9:30 today at work. I answer it like a good employee. My boss' boss is on the other end. By order of the company CIO I am in get the 36 inch TV set up in the cafeteria by 11 am so everyone can watch the inauguration. Ok. That's when it hits me:

We don't have cable or satellite in our building.

Ever try to find a computer in your office that you can wire directly into a TV set? Me neither. I find two...a desktop PC...and my laptop. Naturally I try the desktop but it doesn't have wireless and there's no drop in the cafeteria. Great.

So I drag out my laptop, get it all connected, get CNN's website up and at 11:45 it happens. CNN freezes. I sign off, sign back on...now there are too many people on CNN and I am told I have to wait in line. Wait in line for a webcast??? I try MSNBC, ABC, CBS, C-SPAN...nothing. By now they have sent an email to the entire building saying that they can watch the inauguration in the caf from 11:30-1. Greaaat. Now I have the Chief Technology Officer on my cell phone barking in my ear, my boss emailing me and a room full of people staring at me. Nooooo pressure.

Luckily someone mentions checking with the local ABC affiliate. I give it a try and there's the podium, a scant 3 minutes before they call Obama up to take the oath. Got it by the skin of my teeth.

BTW - did anyone besides me snicker when the oath got all fucked up?

Get a clue

This is a two part "get a clue". It sounds kind of negative, but I figure if I can pick on myself, maybe I won't sound like such a grouchy bastard when I tell the story.

I learned a lesson yesterday. I am incapable of reading a calendar. I know, crazy as it seems. I can fix a Windows registry problem, set up a server infrastructure but fuck if I can't read a simple calendar.

I told people that Brittany had a huge, county-wide chorus show next weekend. Invitations were made. Plans for yesterday were made with Brianna. Plans that were three counties away. Well...

...the concert was yesterday.

Oops. So I scramble all around, put 150 miles on the car but all in all, I manage to put it together. I get from point A to point B with reckless abandon but I get it done. So after the concert, I take the kids for Chinese buffet. Brianna wouldn't touch Brittany's hands because Britt had work at the nursing home that morning and she "touched old people". Brittany points to this old guy at the next table and says "See that guy? I'll be wiping his butt soon, you'll see." At that point, I just about fell out of my chair laughing.

Then on the flip side is the Get a Clue for someone else. I was talking to this girl on the phone. She has made her crush more than obvious and I was trying to be nice and just dance around it. She starts saying how she knows she's hot and I'm lucky that she's crushing on me. Of course nothing turns me off faster. So I'm trying to be polite and all and she says "Come on, you know you want me...just admit it." I said "No, I really don't." She says "Don't lie, you know you do. It's ok, a lot of guys do but you're lucky because I'm picking you." I said "You know how you can tell I'm not into you?" She says "How?"

(click...dial tone for her)

I don't lie, I don't play games. When I want you, you'll know because I'll say so.

Peace and quiet?

Seems I have somehow slipped into a time of a bit of peace and quiet. I got Britt's latest progress report and she has caught up on a bunch of work so the school's not pissed off for now which is a major burden off my back.

I spent some time hanging out with Stoner Jamie over the weekend. His mom was in town to visit so I got to see her. She was like my other mother and I practically lived at her house about 50% of my teenage years. She's finally remarried to a decent guy so it was good to see her. I watched the kids so Jamie could take them to Boston for the night. I had to scold the baby which was a new one for her. Usually Uncle Phil is Mr. Fun and Games, but she got this annoying habit of taking a drink of milk and then spitting it on the kitchen floor. Ummm...no chance little lady.

Now I have a new boss at work to replace Captain Useless. The new guy seems to have a decent attitude, but he's like 27 and he looks 17. He basically said flat out that he's only planning on being around for a year or two tops, then he's moving on. Fine by me, if I'm in my same position after two years, I'll be ready to move on too.

I just looked on my calendar and in the next 5 weeks I have Britt's chorus concert, her LNA graduation and her 18th birthday. Holy shit, I better start saving some cash now.

Why you might not see me for a while

My Christmas present to myself arrived today:



I might come out sometime on Wednesday.

Line of the day

Frequently when Brittany comes home from her LNA classes, she rambles at 3942 words per second about her day, especially now that she is in clinical studies at a local nursing home.

Tonight was no exception. When she got home she was going 100 miles an hour again about her day and how her instructor told her she's doing really well, etc. Then out of the blue she says:

"You know, working in a nursing home, even one of the best ones in Concord, I've decided that when you and Mom get old, I'm never putting you guys in a nursing home. Well, I might put Mom in one, but I'll take care of you at home."

Yes, I did almost fall out of the chair laughing.

Too Bad Oprah

This is Oprah Winfrey. Oprah is gearing up for a very tough year. See she may be worth $2 billion dollars. She may have a long running TV show, a magazine, a book club, a charity to feel good about. But it's going to be a tough year for her. Why?

Because she's fat.

I guess when you're a multi-billionaire your view on life is a bit skewed perhaps. I mean 2009 is going to be a really rough year for a lot of people. I know I have my own concerns and I think I'm in pretty good shape.

Most people I know are worried about keeping their jobs, maybe finding a way to make their mortgage payments, how they can afford college for their kids. I have friends with their own businesses that are quietly concerned. I'm concerned that this is the year that Jamie's girl finally losses her mind completely and stabs him in the ear with an ice pick.

But Oprah's dreading the great fat battle of 2009. Never mind the mortgage crisis, the skyrocketing unemployment numbers, the plummeting stock market, the two wars we are stuck in, global warming and the new historic presidency.

Her issue is being chubby.

It's not like she has a whole lot of excuses. She can afford the gym. She can afford a personal trainer. She can afford a full time chef to cook good, healthy food for her. Which I think bothers me more. If you're broke and stuck eating the 80% lean hamburger, Ramen noodles and peanut butter and jelly sandwiches, then it's hard to have the best diet ever. But when you can blow a couple hundred thousand on a dress, you can afford to have your chef find something tasty that won't make your heart explode like a burrito in the microwave.

Ok, I think I'm done for now. Sadly this isn't even the thing that made me most irritated today but I swore to myself that I wouldn't blog about work anymore so you'll have to get that story one on one.

And we're off

So 2009 is off to one hell of a start to say the least. I find myself still feeling the effects of my alcohol intake last night (which let me honestly say was fairly impressive).

I would fit my New Year's Eve celebration into the category of One of the Most Fun Drinking Nights Ever. It ranks right up there with the night I stood up in Pam's convertible and yelled "I'M KING OF THE WORLD!!", the night I told my sister's stripper friend that no one cares about her and the night I got drunk with Cathy in Savannah, Georgia.

I think I will fit aspects in the night into 4 categories: things I remember, thing I wish I remembered, things I don't remember and things I wish I didn't remember.

Things I remember

- Vodka and Sugar Free Red Bull. Yum.
- It was cold as shit.
- Being told I don't know anything about football because I didn't play pop warner.
- Russell feeding us lots of jello shots. So many my pinkie finger was stained pink from scooping them out.
- Drinking more vodka and Red Bull at the bars.
- My sister calling me drunk at 1:30 in the morning while I was in a noisy bar.
- While my sister was trying to shout over the noise, a rather large woman tried to start talking to me and I was rude. How rude you ask? First I said to her "Why are you talking to me? I don't even know you." Then she said "Let me talk on the phone." I said no, my sister asked what was happening and I said "Nothing, some whore is trying to take my phone."
- Getting back to Jose's and finding the turd his dog left on the floor. Then watching Jose's wife clean it up with a towel, then tossing the towel and hitting Jose with the Poop Rag which made him go running to throw up.

Things I wish I remember

- Sending most of the text messages I found in my sent folder this morning.
- Lauren putting Jose's hand on her boob and saying "you like that?"
- The ride home. Yup, I remember being at the bar, then I went out to the parking lot...and then I was in a house.
- Where I lost the memory card for my cell phone.

Things I don't remember

- Watching reruns of the Golden Girls at 3 a.m.
- The total number of jello shots I had.
- Where all my money went.
- The moment when I lost my filter and starting saying exactly whatever awful thoughts popped into my head.

Things I wish I didn't remember

- The smell of the dog turd in Jose's house.
- The sound of Jose throwing up after getting hit with the Poop Rag.
- Getting hit with more than one stray boob. Believe me, these weren't ones you hope for.

For all those who want to see what a terrible photographer I am, check out the pictures here.