What's been monopolizing my time

So it's not just my sister in the past weeks. The month of May, 2009 is one I wish had really never happened.

So while I'm trying to help get my sister stay clean, I keep taking punches from the blind side.

Brittany is 4 1/2 months pregnant. I'll be a grandfather at 34.

My father still insists on painting me as a liar to anyone who will listen.

I have a problem with a very high up person at work. My exact words to my boss were "If things don't change, you'll be answering why you've lost a third person in less than a year."

Today at Brianna's soccer game, she fell awkwardly and cracked her head on the thinly padded concrete floor. So one ER visit and a CAT scan later, the diagnosis is concussion and no sports for the foreseeable future.

Now one of my friends thinks he's a stud and is chasing my sister. He's not getting the hint that I'm not pleased. He'll be getting it soon enough.

Tally for week ending 5-17-09

So here is my tally for the past 7 days ending today:

Nights spent talking sister down from the edge of relapse: 2

Nights in bed before 2 am: 1

Times called a liar by my father to other people: 3

Times called a liar by my father to my face: 0

Angry emails from father denying he said anything: 1

Responses from me to emails, phone calls and voice mails from father: 0

Calls to notify me of untimely deaths: 3 (in a week...no joke)

Causes of deaths: illness, overdose, suicide

Number of perfectly good dates being ruined by said deaths: 1

Number of days until I hit the wall: ????

I'm so tired of all of them

So tonight there's been a huge blow up around my sister. Accusations are being thrown around, people are now lying about what I said.

I just had to drop her off to an empty house, seeing that she's fucking dope sick and I had to risk it because I can't sleep when she's here because I'm listening for every little noise.

Now one of the parents went off half cocked and called the police over NOTHING. Now I'm getting yelled at by everyone, my father, my sister, her mother. A huge part of me wants to just scream out "FUCK OFF!!!" to all of them and then pack up and find a dude ranch in Wyoming to work at or something.

The thing of it is, there is no one I feel like I can talk to about it. I can't talk to my father, he gets all cop about it with the cop attitude. I can't talk to my brother about it because he will get all melodramatic about shit and it all comes back to being about him somehow. I can't say anything to Jamie cuz he can't go a day without smoking weed.

So here I sit...just eating the big bowl of shit from everyone. I give it 3 days tops before I tweak at someone and it probably won't even be their fault.

Tuesday is the day

Last night I went and had a sit down for a few hours with my sister. Things are both better than I thought they were...and worse.

We agreed that Tuesday will be the day. The day I take her down and check her in to an in-patient rehab center near her house.

Of course inside of me, I quietly doubt that she'll do it. I'm waiting for her to change her mind, tell me she can hack it on her own without it.

We'll see when Tuesday comes I guess.

Sometimes it passes right under your nose

I went to school for criminal justice. I've been taught about all the warning signs. I can see it coming a mile away.

Except when it's from within my own house.

Last night, I found myself driving around Fitchburg, looking for my sister who called me drunk off her ass, completely belligerent. After I bring her home, listen to her puke and sit with her watching her sleep for an hour to make sure she doesn't aspirate, I get the phone call tonight.

Her mom found a needle, spoon and receipts from a methadone clinic in her room. Found the bank accounts drained, found out she lied about going to court.

In hindsight it's all so clear, so obvious. The signs I've been taught to notice, the behaviors...patterns of an addict. Right under my nose for months. Of course she was smart, played on my own resentments from the past to cover her tracks with me.

So even as exhausted as I am from last night, I can't stop pacing. Going to be another long night, probably in a series of long nights.

So what have I been up to?

Well the end of last week was spent up in Maine on a canoe trip with some friends. And as always, drunks + cameras = the funny. So being me, I am happy to share the hijinx with all of you!