So many channels!

Last night after my weekly poker game with Stoner Jamie and the boys, I got my last little treat for myself for a good little while.

XM satellite radio

Now this wasn't all the expense it's cracked up to be. First off my radio was XM ready so I didn't have to buy a radio. Second, Stoner Jamie sells XM at his store so I got all the parts for cost. And last but far from least, he has free store accounts that XM gives him for demo radios. So now my car is a "demo".

So why get XM? Well there's 170 channels, comedy channels and my favorite radio show Opie and Anthony in a completely uncensored program.

Today on my way work I tested it out and there are so many channels, I don't know which ones to create presets for. If gas wasn't $4 a gallon, I'd be driving around now just to listen to it.

A question to ponder

So riddle me this...do you believe in the phrase "forgive and forget"?

To me you either fall into one of these three groups:

Yes, forgive and forget

No, never forgive and NEVER EVER forget

Yes forgive, but no don't forget

Which one do you fall into and why?

Shop shop shopping

Ok, for those of you that really don't know me, I hate shopping. I'm not talking about groceries, I mean general, Walmart type stuff.

Yesterday I decided I really had to do some shopping. On the list?

- Good razors, I bought cheap ones last week which mangled my scalp
- Ipod dock for work, less than $75
- Get cell phone fixed (camera is broken)
- Chair for the computer desk (Sir Fat Ass broke the old one)
- Food for lunch next week

Seems pretty basic? So why did it take me going to 7 different stores? The frickin' Ipod dock. Every place had these ridiculous $200 Ipod docks. It's going to work with me, that's all. The ones that were cheaper all plugged in through the headphone jack which I didn't want. I hit Walmart, Target, Tweeter, Circuit City and Best Buy until I found one. At Best Buy I found a dock that seemed perfect. I couldn't really tell how it plugged in so I asked the guy "Does this plug in through the headphone jack or through the Ipod cable?" He told me "through the cable" so I bought it. I took it home and opened it.

Plugs in through the headphone jack. Mother fucker.

I was so aggravated I didn't even notice that I forgot the computer chair. However I do have a positive experience. You know how they say when you have a bad experience you tell like a zillion people but when you have a good one you only tell a few? Well I'm going to share both experiences with the same people Take THAT survey nerd.

I went into the Verizon Wireless store yesterday to see about getting my phone fixed. Now in the past, the people at Verizon have been...well...twats. So I had a plan all set. I figured they'd have to send my phone out and make me wait for the factory. I had my old phone with me for them to turn on while it was gone and everything. I walked in expecting a retardedly long wait since it was Saturday afternoon. But I got right in, got to see someone and he said "Ok, we'll mail you a new phone within the next 7 days. Just put your battery and back on it and send the broken one back in the postage paid envelope that we'll send you."

That's it? No fight? No 3-6 week wait? No paperwork? No hassle???? Well color me shocked, and suddenly feeling more loyal to Verizon Wireless than I have in the past. Now we'll just see if the phone shows up as promised.

I got nothing today

So I fill in the empty space with meme action.

1) What do you add to your coffee? I don't drink coffee. Ever.
2) What are you reading now? Planning & Maintaining a Windows Server 2003 Server Environment.
3) Do you own a gun? Yes, 2
4) Are you registered to vote? yes
5) Do you get nervous before doctor appointments? no
6) What do you think of hot dogs? good for the grill
7) Favorite Christmas Song? Silent Night
8) What do you prefer to drink in the morning? Vitamin Water Formula 50
9) Can you do push ups? yes, but they aren't fun
10) What was the name of your first boyfriend/girlfriend? Jennifer
11) What’s your favorite piece of jewellery? my grandfather's Mason's ring
12) Favorite hobby? boating, whether it's a jetski, canoe or kayak
13) Do you work with people who idolize you? I barely know anyone at work
14) Do you have ADD? nope
15) What’s one trait that you hate about yourself? I am too sarcastic at times
16) What’s your Middle name? Michael
17) Name 3 thoughts at this exact moment. I hate shopping, I need more money, it's a nice day to be out and about
18) Name 3 things you bought yesterday. Doritos, Nutrigrain bars and beer
19) Name 3 beverages you regularly drink. Vitamin Water, Sam Adams, Diet Mt. Dew
20) Current worry right now? money as always
21) What side do you dress to? I have no idea
22) Favorite place to be? On top of a big mountain
23) How did you bring in the New Year? I have no idea...can't remember
24) Where would you like to go? Australia
25) Name three people who will complete this. No, you name three people. *S*
26) Whose answers do you want to read the most? no clue
27) What color shirt are you wearing? I'm not wearing one
28) Do you like sleeping on satin sheets? no, too slick
29) Can you whistle? yes
30) Favorite colors(s)? black and green
31) Could you be a pirate? no, I don't have enough hair
32) What songs do you sing in the shower? no, but I sing in the car
33) Favorite girls name? no clue
34) Favorite boy’s name? don't have one
35) What’s in your pocket right now? nothing
36) Last thing that made you laugh? Stacey's answers to these questions
37) Best bed sheets as a child? my red flannel sheets
38) Worst injury you’ve ever had? Thrashed my knee skateboarding. 3 operations to fix it.
39) Do you love where you live? Yeah, even though I would leave if I could.
40) How many TVs do you have in your house? 2
41) Who is your loudest friend? Pam
42) How many dogs do you have? none
43) Does anyone have a crush on you? Yes
44) What are the most fun things you ever did? sex, sex, and white water rafting.
45) What are your favorite books? The Stand, Executive Orders
46) What is your favorite candy? anything Willy Wonka
47) Favorite Team? RED SOX!!!!
48) What songs do you want played at your funeral? I don't know, something fun though. None of this morbid shit.
49) What were you doing at 12 AM? watching TV
50) What was the first thing you thought of when you woke up? it's too early and I have the ac up too high

26 random questions

1. You can press a button that will make any one person explode. Who would you blow up?
--it's not even a moment's hesitation...the ex. She'd be gone and I've have my kids. It's like two treats in one.

2. You can flip a switch that will wipe any band or musical artist out of existence. Which one will it be?
--Miley Cyrus. I hate that fucking Hannah Montana and her gay rhyming name.

3. Who would you really like to just punch in the face?
--Ummm, George Bush I guess. He's such a dope.

4. What is your favorite cheese?
--Mozzarella. Whether it's on pizza, in sticks or in tomato and mozzarella salad...delish.

5. You can only have one kind of sandwich. Every sandwich ingredient known to humankind is at your immediate disposal. What kind will you make?
--the Smokehouse Panini at Panera. Chicken, bacon cheese and some kinda sauce toasted. Awesomeness

6. You have the opportunity to sleep with the movie celebrity of your choice. We are talking no-strings-attached sex and it can only happen once. Who is the lucky celebrity of your choice?
--Scarlett Johansson. Can I take a few pictures for the ol' scrapbook too??

7. You have the opportunity to sleep with the music celebrity of your choice. Who do you pick?
--Alicia Keyes. Hot, sensual and she could sing a capella to me afterwords.

8. Now that you’ve slept with two different people in a row, you seem to be having an excellent day because you just came across a hundred-dollar bill on the sidewalk. Wow, a hundred bucks! How are you gonna spend it?
--I'm going to pocket it and save it for number 9

9. You just got a free plane ticket to anywhere. You have to depart right now. Where are you gonna go?
--Sydney Australia. Then I'm spending my $100 to find a way to get around while I'mthere.

10. An angel appears out of heaven and offers you a lifetime supply of the beverage of your choice. It is?
--Sam Adams Light. I was going to say regular Sam Adams, but with the light I won't get fat as quick.

12. Rufus appears out of nowhere with a time-traveling phone booth. You can go anywhere in the PAST. Where do you go?
--March 24, 1993. I keep driving home instead of stopping at someone's house.

13. You discover a beautiful island upon which you may build your own society. You make the rules. What is the first rule you put into place?
--No lying to me. First offense will get you voted off the island.

14. You have been given the opportunity to create the half-hour TV show of your own design. What is it called?
--It's called "Shut Up Hollywood Mouthpiece". Every week, a different overly opinionated Hollywood Douchebag (think Tom Selleck, Susan Sarandon, Ellen Degeneres) gets put on stage, bound and gagged and the audience comes up on stage with a roll of quarters in a tube sock and gets to take three swings each at the victim. Special episodes include Britney Spears locked in a small glass room with nothing but Marlboros and Jack Daniels or Lindsay Lohan having to fuck an actually attractive woman on stage.

15. What is your favorite curse word?
--come on...it has to be fuck.

16. One night you wake up because you heard a noise. You turn on the light to find that you are surrounded by MUMMIES. The mummies aren’t really doing anything, what do you do?
--start pulling on the bandages and hope.

17. Your house is on fire! What do you do ?
--grab the portable hard drive, a pair of pants and out the door

18. The Angel of Death has descended upon you. Fortunately, the Angel of Death is pretty cool and in a good mood, and it offers you a hour to do whatever you want before you bite it. Whatcha gonna do in that hour?
--spend every single minute with my kids.

19. You accidentally eat some radioactive vegetables. They were good, and what’s even cooler is that they endow you with the super-power of your choice! What super-power is it?
--Flight, no doubt. No more pesky TSA checkpoints.

20. You can re-live any point of time in your life. The time-span can only be a half-hour, though. What half-hour of your past would you like to experience again?
--One night when I finally closed the deal with the girl I had wanted for sooooooo long.

21. You can erase any horrible experience from your past. What will it be?
--getting cheated on

22. You got kicked out of the country for being a time-traveling heathen who sleeps with celebrities and has super-powers. But check this out… you can move to anywhere else in the world. Where do you go?
--Barcelona. Beautiful city, on the water and close to other cool shit in Europe.

23. This question still counts, even for those of you who are under age, if you were banned from every bar in the world except one, which one would it be?
--Jake Ivory's in Boston. I love the dueling pianos upstairs and there's a regualar club downstairs.

24. Hopefully you didn’t mention this in the super-powers question... If you did, then we’ll just expound on that. Check it out… Suddenly, you have gained the ability to fly! Whose house are you going to fly to first?
--Scarlett Johansson's house, duh.

25. The constant absorption of magical moon beams mixed with the radioactive vegetables you consumed earlier has given you the ability to resurrect the dead famous person of your choice. So which celebrity will you bring back to life?
--Lou Gehrig. Even though he was a Yankee, he did it with class.

26. You can bring back one person who's dead…who would you bring back?
--my grandfather. He had patience and love that sadly I will never be able to match.

My mouth gets out of control sometimes

So sometimes I have to admit, I drink too much. When I do, I am known to say somethings that I really shouldn't say. But sometimes it's pretty funny, especially when I go back and look at it.

Tonight I figure I'll share a few prime examples.

Phil: Mike, why are you ignoring the hot girl and getting all close and cuddly with the ugly girl?
Mike: The ugly girl is my sister (oops, I didn't know that)

Girl in bed: (grumbles about something I can't remember really)
Phil: You know, you complain an awful lot for someone who just got off in less than 60 seconds

Girl at party: Oh my god. Jess just called me a slut!
Phil: well...are you?
Girl: am I what?
Phil: A slut.
Girl: Excuse me???????
Phil: I'm not judging you. If you're a slut, you should be proud and just admit it. Be glad men find you attractive.
Girl: (stunned silence)

Phil: It's only blind dumb luck you're still married (that one cost me a friendship for a very long period of time)

Phil: You know it helps when you're the boss to be smarter than the people working under you. (then I turned around and saw the boss' friend standing behind me)

A friend's wife: Phil, hang up the phone, you can't call C at 2:30 in the morning!!!
Phil: (in a very drunken slur) Sure I can. It's ok because she has HIV so it's ok.

Those are a few I can think of right now. If I come up with more...nice...memories I'll be sure to share.

Good products vs. Bad products

Tonight as I was at home enjoying the season finale of The Deadliest Catch, I noticed some truly great products being advertised. As well as some truly awful products.

Good product:

Hood Red Sox Ice Cream:



I was actually enjoying some of this when it came on. You know how serious baseball is here when the largest dairy producer in the area has not one, but a whole LINE of Red Sox ice cream. Does your home town love their team that much? I think not.

Bad product:

Michelob Ultra Fruit flavors:



Where do I even begin with this idea?? Beer with specialty fruit flavors? Come on! Take a look at this list of swishy flavors...

- Tuscan Orange Grapefruit
- Pomegranate Raspberry
- Lime Cactus

Ok, so what is a Tuscan orange? Also in the lime cactus, does it taste like a cactus? What does a cactus taste like anyway? Plus is any MAN going to be caught dead drinking these?

Let's face it, beer is a man drink. It just is. It's sharp, it's bitter, it gives you awful breath. For the most part, it's a man drink. There isn't a straight man alive that is going to show up at a barbecue with a case of this sissy concoction that isn't going to get ragged on for YEARS for this one.

My predictions...record sales for Red Sox ice cream if they win another World Series...and Fruity Swishy Mich Ultra won't last until the World Series.

Now THIS is why crack is whack

From a favorite of mine, The Smoking Gun:

Cops: Woman Battered Beau With Toilet Seat
Floridian, 18, attacked after finding boyfriend smoking crack in loo

JULY 14--Meet Kimberlee Ann Cole and Joel Goldsmith. The Florida woman, 18, allegedly assaulted her boyfriend with a toilet seat after finding him smoking crack in a bathroom of their home Friday afternoon. Cole told cops she battered Goldsmith, 24, after he "refused to give her the drugs," according to an arrest affidavit prepared by Fort Pierce police. Goldsmith "refused to stop smoking the drugs and Ms. Cole hit [him] with the toilet seat," the affidavit notes.

As the couple--parents to an eight-month-old boy--scuffled in the bathroom, Goldsmith dropped a cocaine rock in the shower and Cole tried to wash it down the drain. Responding to a 911 call placed by a female roommate of the pair, police found blood on the bathroom's walls, floor, and toilet. They also recovered a broken toilet seat, though the affidavit does not indicate whether it was broken over Goldsmith's head or was in disrepair prior to the July 11 incident. In the shower, investigators found a "small amount of a substance" which field tested positive for cocaine.

Cole and Goldsmith, pictured in the mug shots below, were charged, respectively, with domestic battery and cocaine possession. Goldsmith, who would not tell cops what happened in the bathroom, suffered two lacerations on his forehead (and smaller cuts) during the confrontation.

I'm a flirt?

So tonight I'm at poker at my bro Stoner Jamie's. It's the regular Wednesday night thing and all the guys are together while the lady folk are upstairs doing whatever you women do when you're alone in groups.

Tonight after the second game (which I lost fairly early in), I decided to venture in the land of womanhood. It's no big deal, I know everyone in there and Jamie's fiancee loves me. So I walk in and A, who is one of the fiancee's friends is just like "oh heeeeeeey". Me being me, I play it up, like way over the top back just to be funny.

One of the other girls (who is stoned out of her head at this point) just blurts out "OMG, flirt much?" I got kind of mad at first, but then was told by all the other girls that yes, I flirt...a lot.

The thing is, I'm not even trying to. Most of the time, I'm just trying to be funny. It's not like I'm thinking "Oh, I'm going to make her laugh and she'll be into me." Most of the time it's like "how can I make everyone laugh?" and I just do shit.

The really, really funny part is. All this flirting and I still have an empty bed every night. I guess I'm not a very good flirt. LOL

I may have mentioned this before

I hate that I sound like I'm bitching about the same things over and over again. The thing of it is that they keep coming back into the picture and getting me all fired up all on their own.

Tonight I was talking to Britt about their return home tomorrow night. Apparently my daughter doesn't think I know when she's coming home. I, of course, know what day, time, airline and flight number. I'm crazy like that.

Anyways, she mentions that she talked to her mother on the phone. Her mother was looking for something in the house and Brittany told her that she didn't really need what she was asking about. After a moment of arguing, her mother tells Britt that her cat died. Now Britt loves that cat as much as life itself. She started crying and then her mother starts cracking up and tells her that she was only kidding. Seriously...that's funny? Make your kid cry, then laugh about it?

So I'm going to do a bit of word association. Words that I think of whenever I think about my ex:

• asshole
  
• bitch
• cretin
• douchebag
• fucktard
• hatemonger
• idiot
• jackass
• loser
• moron
• nitwit
• piece of shit
• retard
• shithead
• slut
  
• ugly
• vicious
• whore
• zero

Thus ends Phil's word association of the day. I'm now going to try and get to sleep tonight without staying up all night being pissed off.

Kidney stones or jet skis?

That was my choice, deal with kidney stones or ride a jet ski. Now to be fair, I do not have any kidney stones myself. It was my father calling me this afternoon to tell me he was at the hospital.

Luckily things turned out alright with the old man. Turns out he's passed the stone, albeit after some pain and some curse words in Spanish to spare the rest of the hospital patients and he's now at home resting comfortably, aided by the joy of percocet.

So I spent the afternoon riding around on the jetski with a friend of mine. We found a nice stretch of the Nashua River on the north side of the city and ran up and down it for a few hours. It would have been more, but the stupid thing ran out of gas right as we were running out of daylight.

Although I seem to now have developed something itchy on the inside of my thigh which I can't decide is from the seat of the jetski with it's brand new vinyl or from something murky in the water. I did see a spot of water bubbling from the shore into the river and I wonder if there wasn't something...untoward being pumped into the river.

That's about it for my day. Time to finish up a movie and get my happy ass off...to bed that is you sickos.

Tired already

So last night I had to do something that reminded me of a lesson I learned much earlier in life:

Jack Daniels is not my friend.

I was hanging out with Stoner Jamie and Jen and we hung out and were having beers and shots. Well, I was having beers and shots, they were just having shots. Now somehow I had one or two shots more than Jen, who is like 130 lbs. I'm 225, I should be able to handle one or two more shots right? Wrong. But it does tend to spark interesting conversation. Like how both Jen and I don't like the taste you get from sucking on a pierced nipple. We also discussed how all men have at least briefly pondered the thought of having sex with each of their female friends and we talked about a guy we knew who died of an overdose this week. After a while, it got really late and someone remembered that we needed sleep.

2am there I am stumbling down to the spare room thinking "God I hope I don't have to puke, I don't even know how to get outside or up to the bathroom from here." Waking up this morning was pretty tough too, but I had to shape up quickly as I was tasked with babysitter their critters for the day.

Thankfully they were pretty well behaved and I didn't have to chase the 16 month old all around the house too much. What I did forget was that I promised to go to the car show that Jamie was putting on tonight AND out jetskiing with them tomorrow. So I think they're going to get mighty sick of me.

To freak or not to freak

Ok, so I am having a major dilemma in life. I'm hanging on by a thread dear readers, I truly am. It could snap at any time and I'm trying to prevent it. Here's why.

My oldest daughter was here last night and asked me to have a look at the anti virus program on her computer. Sure enough it needed many updates downloaded and installed. She went into her room to watch TV and talk on the phone while I fixed the computer.

Being the father that I am, I take the opportunity to make sure there's nothing on my darling daughter's computer that there shouldn't be. The internet history was ok, but then I rummaged through the My Pictures folder. Bad move.

I could handle the pictures I found of her in her bathing suit. Anyone at the beach can see that. What I wasn't prepared for were pictures of her making out with two of her girlfriends. Not like silly little pecks being funny. I mean full on, hands in hair make outs.

I managed to keep from freaking out about it last night and embarrassing her in front of her best friend who was here and now she's in Florida with my mom. But it's really eating me up inside.

Obviously I don't condone her taking pictures of herself doing stuff like that. Honestly I don't even really care that much that she kissed her friends, if that's all it was. But WHY THE PICTURES? Nothing good is ever going to come from taking pictures of that.

I'm torn between freaking out about it (which I really want to do) and treading lightly. Right now, her mother is being a cunt to her. Yes, I said it. C U N T to my baby. She put her out of the house and it looks like she'll likely be living with me. She's feeling short on allies so I don't want to totally isolate her.

On the flip side, there's no way I can possibly condone the behavior. Want to smooch your friends? Fine, whatever. But don't be making a permanent record of it for someone to hack and post on the Internerd. That shit will pop up at the worst possible time in her life, I guarantee it.

So weigh in if you are one of my 5 remaining readers. Freak out or breathe out....slowly?

So much to say, so much to stay

It's not just a Dave Matthews Song, if it ever was to say the least. Sometimes when given an large amount of time to just be with yourself, you tend to dig around in the attic of your own psyche.

As I was talking to my friend Sandi about, lots of time on your hand allows for you to rummage around inside your own head, if you feel the urge. Normally I don't feel the urge, however I find myself sometimes powerless to stop myself. This weekend I haven't really fought it too much.

Mostly I think I've just been kind of handling the things I've needed to handle at the moment and not really paid attention to any of the deeper issues that have been going on. At the end of the day, not much necessarily changed, but I was able to get my arms around a few things and get some ends tied off that had been fraying a bit in my mind.

For now I'm going to go play Medal of Honor with my son and teach him the joy of killing Nazis.

An exercise in introspection

Last night as I was talking about the wake I went to, I remembered a project that someone mentioned to me a few years back.

It's been done as a creative writing project, etc over the years and it's popped up into my head from time to time and I thought "I wonder how that would turn out?" So today I did it.

I wrote my own obituary.

I thought going into it that it could be a hard thing to do. But once I started, it got harder and harder. Really how does one talk about themselves and their live without sounding pretentious? I mean I don't have any huge laurels to rest on. I haven't made any major contributions to society or even to my community. I'm just a guy that does his job and goes home at the end of the day, that's it. The only easy part was making the list of relatives.

I'm debating on whether or not to post it...or even keep it. Who knows, I may decide to keep it and have it posted should I reach an untimely demise in the near future.

I'll have to think on it some more.