Palin as President

A quick link for you. Think of it like a demented gave of "I Spy" Palin-style.

http://www.palinaspresident.us

Total credit to Sandi for hooking me up with this one. I'm still laughing like a buffoon.

Crazy

So this morning when I was listening to Opie and Anthony and they were talking about a John McCain volunteer who was robbed and assaulted because she had a McCain sticker on her car. They were in a small uproar (well, only racist Anthony was really in an uproar) because of course it's a white girl assaulted by a black man. So meet Ashley Todd, 20, of College Station, Texas.

Ms. Todd claimed that when her attacker noticed a McCain sticker on her car, he scraped the letter B into her face as you see in the picture. Of course as you can see the B is...backwards.

Well today Ms. Todd was arrested for filing a false police report. Seems the entire incident never really happened.

As it turns out, Ms. Todd has had some previous issues with mental illness. You don't say? Of course, you'd have to in order to be hanging around on the sinking ship of the McCain campaign.

I'm bored and lazy

1. Have you ever felt guilty or ashamed after a sexual experience? Umm yeah. Anyone who hasn't is a big liar. No one brings their A game all the time.

2. Did you ever own a fake ID? Nope, didn't have to. I dated a girl a couple years older than me when I was under 21. She bought all my booze.

3. How often do you tell white lies? Is it with or without thinking? I really stay away from it now. I figure if you can get away with a white lie, you can probably risk a white truth.

4. On a scale of 1-10, how well do you receive constructive criticism? 7. If the criticism is valid and timely, I don't have a problem with it. But if it's criticizing just to criticize, then I don't take it real well. I won't freak out, but I'll start quietly planning your demise.

5. Have you ever shaved your pubic hair? Hell no. When that shit grows back it's going to itch like nobody's business. I already touch myself down there enough as it is.

Bonus: What percentage of women do you think are capable of handling being in a "friends with benefits" relationship? How about men?

Hmmm, loaded question perhaps? Well, here's a little white truth. I'd say maybe 20% of women are capable of being friends with benefits. Most women just don't seem to be capable of having emotionless sex for an extended period of time.

On the other side, I'd say that 80% of men are capable of it. I think men on the other hand are very capable of emotionless sex. Part of it is nature, male mammals are supposed spread their DNA to as many females as possible. Therefore we aren't supposed to be getting ourselves all tied down to one female, right?

Promoted and it's about time

So today I got the official/unofficial word. The promotion that I got passed over for 6 weeks ago is now going to be mine after all.

This week they asked me to move from my comfy home at one of the satellite offices over to the corporate offices to back up a guy that was taking a few vacation days until his last day on Friday.

The new job means I will be the tech slave for the execs in the corporate office. It'll mean carrying the Blackberry and answering calls for help after hours or on weekends. But what it also means is a lot of visibility and profile, great networking and they are giving me about a 15% pay increase. Plus I get off of contract work and get full benefits.

But there is one big drawback. The office:

My office is called "The Fishbowl". As you can see there are windows right above my head that face one of the main hallways in the building. All day long people are walking by, looking in the window at me while I try and work which is distracting to say the least.

However, I spotted this dangling from one of the switches today and realized "Hey, this might really be the place for me."

Demand much?

I've decided to do a little bit of self examination today. In my mind I keep going over the same thing:

Am I too demanding?

One of the things I'm famous for telling people when they blame everyone else for things is "Well it can't be that you're right and everyone else is wrong."

So I wonder...is everyone right and I am wrong?

I find myself constantly disappointed by people. The thing is that I don't feel like I'm asking too much.

Be true to me and true to yourself.

Have my back, as I will have yours.

Appreciate that I am who I am and that's who you made friends with. I don't want you to change because I like you just the way you are.

Seems though that it just works out so rarely. People say to me at times "You know, you are so lucky to have a friend like Jamie that you've known since before kindergarten. No one has that." I recognize that, believe me. But is it too much to want more than one person to count on? Besides, there are things that he just doesn't understand so I can't share those with him.

As it stands, I don't really have all the answers. I doubt I ever really will. But you still have to ask the questions, even if just to vocalize it a bit to figure it out.

BBQ Sunday

Yesterday was our semi-annual poker party. We all contribute through the year and then pool the money and throw a big ass party. This year's savings was a little over $350. So what does $350 buy a bunch of guys throwing a party?

8 full racks of ribs
20 pounds of house marinated steak tips
A KILLER 7.5 pound London Broil
1 keg of cheap beer (I had no input on this)
Hot dogs for the kids
Tons of chips and dip

Now what does this lead to? Well, for me it led to a few really shitty card games (because I was buzzed and stuffed full of food and didn't care), a look of consternation when I brought the little man to his mother, more partying, giving in to peer pressure and doing a keg stand and lots of play time with my wee little niece, including letting her snag my sunglasses:

Thankfully I woke up this morning without the massive hangover I was anticipating which was good because somethings might be changing for the better at work and it would be bad to start showing up still drunk from the night before.

Just 100 more days

Well, much to the dismay of some and the gleeful glory of others, we are heading into the last 100 days of the Bush presidency.

Some would say that the first 2820 days of his presidency were filled with highlights, but it's more like the guy that runs up a massive bar tab and then jets out the door leaving the rest of us holding the check.

He's doubled the national debt. So much for the fiscal conservative platform.

He's gotten us into two wars with no hope of finding an end soon.

The economy is facing a downturn of epic proportions.

But you have the Bush lovers out there too. Like Dick Cheney and everyone at Fox News. They'll say "we got rid of the Taliban" and "we brought Saddam Hussein to justice". Great, but where's Osama Bin Laden? As far as I'm concerned, he's been the only real threat of the past 8 years. Name me one Taliban official. Go ahead, I'll wait. Oh, and just what did Saddam Hussein do the the US between 2000 and our invasion again? I must have missed that on the news.

It seems like an Obama victory is close on the horizon and I couldn't be happier. Of course the US still has a long way to go to prove it has overcome this kind of thinking.

Autumn has arrived

From my balcony:

Obama's biggest supporter

Well, I am Obama's biggest supporter after seeing this:

WHAT A COUNTRY!!!!

So far so good

Well it's been 5 days now with Britt living here. It's been pretty quiet so far here and I don't mind it.

To hear her mother tell it, she was a constant problem every day. Here she's been perfectly fine. We haven't fought, haven't had any skirmishes even bordering on fighting.

She is home at curfew every night and in bed by 11 all on her own.

I'm wondering where this monster is that her mother kept describing.

And then pigs started flying

You know some of those universal truths in life? Those ones like death and taxes and pop stars on drugs?

Last night one of those universal truths was broken.

Yesterday at work I get a call from the ex. Britt is acting up again. This time it's "I'm spending the night at my friend's house and there's nothing you can do to stop me". Wrong.

So I go to her work and surprise her. I tell her to call her boyfriend and tell him she won't be seeing him. I wait for her to get out of work and I take her back to her mother's house. After some back and forth, I tell her to pack some things because she's coming with me. She looks me right in the eye and says...

"No, I'm not going with you. You're not my father and you can't make me go."

Ummm...yeah, wrong answer.

Rather than reach out and smack her like I want to do, I decide on mental warfare. I call her mother down to the bedroom. I tell her what Brittany said and her mother says "Well I am your parent and I'm telling you that you're going with him." Brittany again refuses. So now it's time for me to start fucking freaking. But nope, not yet. So I reach out and snatch the cell phone out of her hand that she was texting with. That's when the child dun lost her mind.

She decided to take a swing at me.

I couldn't even believe it. She missed and all, but I couldn't even believe it. I was stunned with disbelief. Then she kept on coming, trying to get her phone back. At this point I felt like I had three options:

1. Reach out and pop her right in the mouth.
2. Take the phone (which actually belongs to her boyfriend) and throw it at the wall as hard as I can and watch it disintegrate into a thousand pieces.
3. Fend her off until she calms down and realizes what a huge mistake she just made.

I opted for number 3 this time. Mostly because as soon as Brittany jumped up at me, Candi ran and called the police. It's bad to have the cops show up and find your kid crying and bleeding on the floor which is what would have happened if I chose number 1.

So long story short. The cop showed up said she didn't want to stay with her mom and she didn't want to go with me either. The cop told Brittany her choices were either go with me and do what she's told, or get taken to the detention center for domestic violence. By this point she realized what she did and said she wasn't sure she wanted to go with me because of what she said to me.

Well she's here now for the next few days until I can figure out what the fuck to do with this whole situation.