A change in the reflection

As Neil Diamond sings..."Where it began, I can't begin to know when."

That's just it, I have no idea when or where it began. Last night I was sitting here quietly thinking about a lot of things. I went out for a bit, swung by Jamie's house and he just looked at me and said "You look like shit". Matched how I felt, so I couldn't possibly be mad at the guy for being intuitive. He's known me 30 fucking years, I'd be insulted if he hadn't noticed.

I went home after being there for just an hour. I hung out, not accomplishing anything. Unless of course you consider the fight I got in over IM. What a pathetic cliche that is. IT guy gets in fights on the internet.

After that I spent a long time up thinking some more. I went into the bathroom and brushed my teeth. As I was standing at the sink, looking in the mirror...it hit me.

I don't like...me. I'm not happy.

It's a hell of a thing to acknowledge that our house of cards has toppled over. I suspect it was just a matter of time. I spent most of my childhood, teen and young adult years not liking myself. After I got divorced, things were looking good for a while there. My instincts were honed pretty well, I had a good eye on things and that was cool.

I'm not quite sure when that went away. It wasn't all at once. I'm sure it was a little bit at a time. To say that the last 2 years have been tough would be an understatement. Anyone close to me knows I've had to fight and scratch and claw to keep my head above water. But now it's not enough to just get by, I want to thrive.

Someone whose opinions I used to hold as valuable recently told me that I'm looking for someone to rescue me from my own self made misery. At first I was indignant, aghast. I'm sure it looked that way from her perspective, but that's not it at all.

I've spent the last little bit not wanting to be rescued. I've rejected help at every turn until it was impossible for me to go on without it. Jamie tells me I'm too prideful...even when I need help, I won't ask for it.

So what's my point here? What am I trying to say? I need to make changes. I'm not 100% sure of what they are, but what I am sure of is that they are mine alone to make. I firmly believe that we make our own happiness. If we depend on someone else for our happiness, we'll be perpetually disappointed.

It's time for the next step for me...I just need to find out which direction to step in.