Today at work I get a text message from my ex. I have to go over to the house after work and broker yet another argument between the two of them.
The problem is that the two of them are exactly alike, and they hate that about each other. They can't lose a fight, each of them has to keep attacking and attacking and attacking without any thought of the damage they cause.
Tonight they had another huge blow out with every awful curse flying back and forth between then. They're both in the wrong, but the kid does have to show her mother an ounce of respect.
So I go up there after work and I can feel myself falling into the old routine. I go in there quiet, calculating and monotone. Then they both start pushing my buttons. Then I started yelling too. That's when it all starts to go downhill.
What usually happens is that Britt puts up a strong front for a while, but you can always find the button that needs pushing in order to get her to listen. I feel bad, I had to push her really hard. She snapped in a big way. She actually screamed back at me.
Funny though, after the anger, she finally lets go of the hate and anger and you can reason with her while she's crying. She's a good kid, she really is. She just loses perspective on what matters from time to time. She's going to fuck up her whole future for what, getting back at her mother?
After the screamfest and my 1 on 1 talk with Britt, I had to get her in the same room with her mother in a normal conversation. They both are always on the defensive with each other. Neither of them will listen to the other one, even when they have valid points. It's sad really because if this keeps up, they'll have no relationship whatsoever in a year or so.
The real shame is that I almost don't care anymore. I'm so tired of it. Not tired like I need an early bed time tired. Like soul weary, full of dread and eagerly waiting the day that it no longer matters tired. I don't want to be referee to anyone anymore but I just can't seem to escape it.
Monday, August 4, 2008
The patience is wearing thin
Posted by Unknown at 11:27 PM
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9 Comments:
I was called in to ref between my slave and her mom once, her mom would NOT see herself as being in the wrong at all, it was no fun.
dang.
check back at my blog fo a response. to long for a comment.
sounds like the early years with me and my dad. Have you thought about going to a family counselor? As a teen when we went I think it would have helped. The counselor was able to defuse things before they got to the screaming part. Although my dad didn't like being told he was wrong and then refused to go any more. I think if we would have stuck too it, a lot of our problems would have been solved and our relationship would not have gone to shit.
I don't have to referee fights between the kids and their mom...yet. I fear that day is coming, though.
The kids have no respect for their mom, and she's always wondering why I never seem to have the difficulties that she does. She and her mom try to explain it away by saying that I'm too easy on them, but that isn't further from the truth. I expect a lot out of my kids and they usually respond very will when they're with me.
Ironically, even after my ex and her mom tell me (quite often)that I'm too easy on the kids, she's always calling me so I can be "the parent".
Nysak - in my case, neither of them see that they've done anything wrong. They both are experts at blaming someone else for EVERYTHING.
Birdie - I'll be by in a bit, I gave you extra time to write something good.
LMC - we've all been the counseling route. But my ex has (I don't think) ever admitted to being wrong in her life. Hell in our divorce, she tried to tell me that it's MY fault she slept around.
Tex - the thing is that your kids respect you. By having that respect, you don't have to spend all of your time fighting a battle of wills. I do get the same call as you though, to come and be the Nazi parent...even after they say you're too easy on them.
Phil,
This is an age thing too with your daughter. I was in the same boat as your ex is now- you can't see the forest for the trees. You cannot talk sense into them and you cannot broker these fights. It doesn't help one bit. I went through HELL with my hysterical, drama-queen daughter who was so unhappy she took handfuls of ibuprofen once and drank cough syrup thinking she would die.
Let me just say this since I am on the other side now:
You have to step away from this. Your ex will not stop fighting with her until one of them learns to step away from it also. I learned the hard way, but I learned it. Once I started to leave the room while the tornado was blowing, she came even more unglued. But I kept it up until one day she realized she was screaming at an empty room.
Then it started to stop. She started to change her way of communicating with me and in doing so she started to grow up. Now I am talking between 16 and 18 yrs old. I used to be like you, very reactive. I stopped being re-active and started being attentive when she was talking and thus the drama wouldn't erupt. I let her know I would absolutely not tolerate it one more minute and proved it by leaving the house more than once.
So it takes time,but it will pass. Hopefully your daughter can learn to walk away if your ex won't.
That's my 2 cents but I have been there, done that and I am passing it on...
IMA - I'm just seeing their behavior and I see the younger kids starting to act like them and I don't like it.
This is why I talk to both of them in front of each other. They are both in the wrong and I say so. That way it's not another winner vs. loser thing. They're both losers and they are losing more everyday.
Women! Can't they throw a decent boxing fight? Winner takes all. :-)
You know, I honestly don't know who would win that fight. Brittany has a size advantage over her mother, but her mom is just this side of crazy.
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