"You saved me..."
It wasn't a Hollywood script. There was no cycle of drama. There was no good start, a tragedy hits rock bottom and a triumphant recovery.
It was just a conversation. Talking about the game. Living the life, being a player, buy-for-a-nickel-sell-for-a-dime politics of running the streets.
She just came out with it, no prompting, no prodding. I wasn't even asking any questions of her, just listening for what seemed like the millionth hour that day.
"...I think that if I wasn't here I would be back down there using...a lot."
The thing is, I didn't need her to say it. I didn't even want her to say it. It physically hurt to hear it. Not because I needed the accolades because I don't. The reason is it just reinforced how close I was, we all were, to losing her. Even if she lived, she'd have been lost to the streets, lost to the needle, lost to all of us.
Now after the first wave of drama has passed, lots of changes have happened in life. I have a full time roommate. One with no car and no job who gets lonely sitting in my house all day. Friends have been there, friends have been quiet and some friends have up and bolted all together under the guise of "giving space" or some other platitude.
Family has stepped up from near, far and even from the most unlikely of places. Family has failed from near, far and the most unlikely of places. Relationships that were strong are weakened, relationships that were decaying have rotted completely away and relationships that were silent to non-existent have become integral parts of both of our lives.
What does the next stage hold? I'm not sure. Sobriety? Relapse? Redemption? Utter failure? I don't know and honestly I'm scared of the worst. After all this time, effort, talking and listening it would destroy me.
But until then...it's back to the day to day.
Monday, June 29, 2009
Just one of the talks
Posted by Unknown at 10:24 PM
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3 Comments:
Since YOU won't sing it, I will.
"the sun will come up tomorrow..."
You know what I meant by that... gotta love inside stuff...
You know you are doing the right thing. She needed you - it's as simple as that.
I say write that sentence down on a little piece of paper and stick it in your wallet. next time you have one of those " What the hell am I doing here and why does life suck" moments... pull out that piece of paper and read it. Let it be a reminder that we all matter to someone and we all have purpose.
Oh my goodness Phil. I agree. Sometimes life does royally suck. But you are a good man and are doing the right thing and good things are coming. My experience is that life works in waves and so, after bottoming out, you have to go up. :) XXXXXXX
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